Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time (2010, U.S.)

I truly hope the subtitle doesn't imply they're planning a sequel, because this one wasn't very good. It was better than some other things I've seen lately, but still, not great.

In my humble opinion, Jake Gyllenhall is one of the most talented actors of his generation. What was he thinking accepting this movie? He wasn't bad as an action hero, but he's much more attractive and convincing as the slender, nerdy boy next door or as a sweet, shy but self-assured cowboy (as in Proof and Brokeback Mountain, two of my favorite performances of his). Who was this buff hero? Also, he had a strange, mild accent of no discernible origin. I guess it was supposed to be Persian, but I don't know. At least you can still say it was consistent though.

There was some good action here, but the plot was a bit hard to follow at times. If this makes any sense at all, part of their failure was the introduction of an object's concept without showing said object (i.e. the titular sands of time). It didn't work.

The music was underwhelming, which was a disappointment to me. A score can make or break a movie, and a good score here would have made it a bit more bearable. (Especially disappointing because I usually love Harry Gregson-Wililams' work.)

I can say that there were a few mildly amusing lines. Alfred Molina was especially funny as an anti-tax, anti-government "small businessman." Almost incongruous in ancient Persia, but somehow it worked for this particular movie. On the other hand, his character and other things meant anachronisms all over the place. If you're looking for anything close to historical accuracy, look elsewhere.

Further faults? Predictable villain. Pretty tepid, weak romance—the movie would have been better off without it at all. Eh. Oh, and then there's the weird déjà vu feeling, a product of the very Aladdin feel at the beginning and the very Gollum at Mount Doom climax. Does that give too much away? Oh well, if you don't see it now, you're not missing much.

Rating: 2.0

Fireball (2009, Canada)

So, I watched this in an attempt to erase the memory of The Lost Samaritan out of my head and replace it with a better Ian Somerhalder. I should have known better. Hello, look at this poster. That about sums up the movie.

A violent football player, Draven, wants to get revenge on all the people who've done him wrong. Somehow his body chemistry changes and he becomes a human torch. A fire investigator and a federal suit try to track him down, as he sets fire to everything. The big finale takes place in a nuclear plant.

Yeah, terrible. This is beyond B. There are no words. Bad writing, bad acting, bad scoring, bad everything. I don't know how I made it to the end. Don't watch it.

Rating: 1.0

Ondine (2009, Ireland)

I was rather intrigued by the concept of this film. Also I hadn't seen an Irish film in awhile, and I was curious to see what kind of film would cause Colin Farrell to leave Hollywood and return to Ireland.

Syracuse, who's better known as Circus because of his drunken antics, has a disabled daughter whose mother he's estranged from. He's a fisherman, and one day he catches a beautiful woman in his net. She says her name is Ondine, which means "she came from the sea." His daughter thinks Ondine is a selkie; Circus thinks he's falling in love.

Ondine is a modern Irish fairy tale, but it has all the magic and darkness of old Irish fairy tales and all the bleak realism of modern Irish life. I guess you could call it magical realism. It is damp, poor, sad, magical, beautiful, wonderful Ireland at its best. The contrast between the fantasy story and the true story is perfectly balanced. The score was mostly this (I can't help using the word yet again) magical-sounding guitar music which fit perfectly. And Colin Farrell was brilliant, a strong choice for the role of an almost weak and broken man. The girl who played Ondine was also talented, and the girl who played the daughter nearly stole the show.

Beautiful. Magical. Highly recommended.

Rating: 4.0

The Lost Samaritan (2008, Germany)

Terrible. Terrible! I was feeling the need to watch something with Ian Somerholder in it, and this was a definite mistake. An accountant has a long night at the office, and on the way home helps an injured motorist, which leads to him becoming the target of two dangerous assassins. I can't even remember how. Then he gets home to find his wife cheating on him, and the assassins follow him there, so he goes to a cafe and the waitress ends up tagging along on his adventures. How does any of this make sense? There's no clear plot, and that's the least of the problems with this travesty.

The music was way over the top music. I gather that this movie was made in Germany, and all the German actors who were supposed to be Hispanic or white Americans still had German accents. The script was ridiculous, writing beyond terrible. The one major "why" of the plot was never answered. The accountant's relationship with the waitress makes no sense. And to top it off, the girl's not even sexy and she tries too hard.

What was Ian Somerhalder thinking? He's a pretty talented actor. This was just sad.

Rating: 1.5

The Dinner Game (1998, France)

As I was watching this film, it occurred to me that it seemed very familiar. Turns out that it was the inspiration for the American movie Dinner for Schmucks. This is a perfect example of how much more class the French have than Americans. This movie was pretty entertaining, whereas the American one just looks tasteless.

Pierre and his friends have a weekly meal where they must bring an "idiot," competing for the best one. Pierre's idiot meets him at house (and how he gets him there is convincing enough to be believable), but Pierre's had a back injury and can't go. His idiot tries to help him, and naturally does everything wrong and aggravates every situation.

It's pretty funny for what it is. I'm a little iffy on comedies that rely on mocking people for laughs, but because it ends (and this is not really a spoiler) with the jerk learning from the idiot, it works out okay. This is another very French one. Didn't like it as much as the last one I watched, but still enjoyable.

Rating: 3.0

Après vous (2003, France)

Antoine is a maitre d' in Paris. He's a good man who always says "yes" to everyone, and there's some strain in his relationship. So when he's late for dinner, he takes a shortcut home through the park, where he finds Louis hanging himself over a woman. Louis attaches himself to Antoine, who finds him a job at his restaurant and attempts to fix his life. Of course this involves Antoine meeting Blanche, the woman Louis was killing himself over, and Antoine falls for her too. Hijinx ensue.

This film was very French and very entertaining. Not just anyone can pull off the dark comedy, the love triangles, the bizarre but almost realistic antics. The French are just gifted that way. I enjoyed this one, and I would definitely recommend it.

Rating: 3.5

Fargo (1996, U.S.)

I don't even know where to begin with this movie. I almost can't even see why it's a cult classic. Jerry is in deep financial trouble, and his rich father-in-law is a jerk, so he decides to have his wife kidnapped and have her father pay the ransom. Basically every character is incompetent, except for the heavily pregnant sheriff investigating. There's a lot of violence, a lot of death, a lot of Minnesota accents.

I guess some people might find it funny, but it's just not my type of humor. Mostly I was impressed by Frances McDormand's performance as the sheriff. The rest of it, I could have lived without.

Still, I'm glad that I finally got around to seeing this cult classic.

Rating: 2.5

Repo Men (2010, U.S.)

Remy is a repo man for The Union, a company that installs artificial organs and takes them back when the owners can't pay their debts. After a job-related injury, he wakes up to find himself the owner of a state of the art heart. When he can't pay, he goes on the run, and his former partner is sent after him.

The concept wasn't bad, although I fail to see why his company wouldn't have covered a work-related injury. (Though to be fair, their boss was pretty evil.) The music was pretty cool, very smooth and jazzy, which lent a nice contrast to the constant action. The huge twist ending was also exciting. However, mostly I found the whole thing to be entirely too graphically violent.

Rating: 2.5