I Sell the Dead (2008, U.S.)

Of all the bizarre movies, I've ever seen, this one might take the cake. Even considering the other most recent (Kill Your Darlings). It's about a graverobber (adorable Dominic Monaghan) who is about to be executed for his crimes, and he's telling his story to a priest (who is played by Ron Perlman, not a very priestly guy). At first it seems like a sad story about a kid with a tough life, but then he and his mentor start digging up vampires and zombies and goodness knows what else. Meanwhile they have an ongoing competition with a rival graverobbing gang.

Basically, there wasn't much of a plot. They just go around robbing graves, which is often quite eventful, but when it's over, it's over. There's not much forward motion, just repetitiveness.

Even Dominic Monaghan wasn't enough to balance this lack of eventfulness. He was his adorable charismatic self, but not to the level you'd expect. The one thing that really stood out in this film was the score, which was eerie but whimsical—one Danny Elfman would be proud of. It reminded me of the Edward Scissorhands score, but landing more on the eerie side rather than the whimsical one. It fit the tone perfectly.

Still, I was underwhelmed.

Rating: 2.5

The Messengers (2007, U.S.)

This movie was shockingly identical to Cold Creek Manor. A family moves from the city (Chicago) to the country (a sunflower farm in North Dakota). They have a daughter (played by Kristen Stewart again) and a younger son. The house is creepy, and something is obviously not right. Then a handyman shows up, and their luck seems to be turning around.

The major difference was that this movie had a supernatural element that the other lacked... and it was awful. It was really creepy, but it was pretty predictable. They used crows pretty well, but at the same time this seemed like a pretty cliché horror tool.

The best part about this movie was Kristen Stewart, of course. She's great at the troubled teen who's made some mistakes but is a great big sister and an honest person. She is also great at acting terror.

Perhaps I would have liked it more if I hadn't just seen Cold Creek Manor. Or if the ending wasn't so cheesy. But too bad, I did, and it was.

Rating: 2.0

No One Can Hear You (2001, U.S.)

I decided to watch this movie because it featured Kieren Hutchinson, a Kiwi actor I've seen once or twice and found quite adorable. It also stars Barry Corbin, a truly iconic actor. Of course, I'm not big into horror, but I figured I'd branch out.

The first night I started to watch it, I had to turn it off. Living alone in a very dark area across from a cemetery is not so bad on a normal day, but horror movies are not a good addition to this scenario. The opening credits are the scariest part. They show someone's darkroom, red light and eerie photos everywhere, while someone whispers, "True love never dies" in a voice that truly makes your skin crawl.

The rest was not so scary. Essentially, a bunch of suburban families with teenage daughters kept being found dead all together, decapitated. It seems to echo a crime that happened 15 years earlier. The local news reporter's daughter fears she will be next. The filmmakers work so hard to make you believe the killer is one person that it's incredibly clear that it's someone else.

It amazes me that a movie can be so horribly written with a completely nonsensical plot and yet still be so incredibly predictable. Terrible.

Rating: 2.0