Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008, U.S.)

I had low expectations. The reality was much worse.

Never in my life have I seen such a classic part of American culture destroyed as utterly as this fourth installment did to Indiana Jones. It was terrible. Okay, so it took place in 1957 instead of 1938. There were (not-so-evil) Russian communists instead of (scum-of-the-planet) German Nazis. Harrison Ford is 66 years old. It took a bit of getting used to, but in the first 15 minutes or half hour, I thought I could handle it. Wrong.

First: Aliens. This is Indiana Jones, not Alien or ET or even Star Wars. Jones is an archaeologist, not some SETI freak. The whole crystal skull/alien intelligence/UFO plot line was so absolutely ridiculous and just wrong. It totally lacked in the history that I so loved about the series. I mean, ALIENS?

Second: Weird animals. There were the damn gophers that kept showing up everywhere, like they knew what was happening. Very Caddy Shack. Very lame. Then there were the monkeys swinging through the trees with Mutt. Silly. Worst of all were the man eating giant ants, who seemed to have human-like intelligence and who devoured men whole. Disgusting, and very King Kong. (And I didn't even like that whole man-eating bug scenario in King Kong, where it fit much better.)

Third: CGI. One of the greatest things about the original trilogy was how realistic and believable it was, because they used stuntmen instead of computer tricks. I know that we live in a modern world with new technology that can do great things for film, but. It's one thing to make distant planets or create lifeforms like Ents or unicorns, but when it comes to things that are meant to be part of our own reality, nothing will look better than the real thing. But maybe that's the point. Did I mention this movie was about aliens? Speaking of which, the ending was so far beyond stupid that I was left speechless. (Though I guess in terms of "appearances," it was realistic.) I miss the melting faces and the corny hyper-aging and the ripping out of hearts from my beloved '80s franchise.

Fourth: While talking action sequences... Travesty of all travesties, there was no whip-swinging. That is not Indiana Jones.

Fifth: Lack of witty dialogue. The old snappy Jones just wasn't there. (Although to be fair, I might have missed a line or two... or ten... because the speakers in the theater were so whacked I couldn't hear the talking over the music half the time.) This would have been a great time to reuse the whole "It's not the years, it's the mileage" line. It might have been redundant, but at least it would remind us that once upon a time, in a galaxy far far away, our favorite films about archeology didn't suck. And that George Lucas knew that the alien-hunting Harrison Ford was Han Solo, not Indiana Jones. Who knew I would ever long for the '80s? And David Koepp has written some great screenplays. What was this?

Sixth: Plot. Or was there one? It was so convoluted and senseless. The genius of the earlier films lay in their simplicity. "Don't mess with things you don't understand, respect history and every man's deities. And P.S., Nazis are evil." Sensible. "Quests to possess alien intelligence can only make your head explode." Not insensible, per se, but not normal either.

Seventh: Score. Yeah, it was John Williams. Yeah, some of the original themes were reused well. Yeah, it fit into the movie fairly well. But for the most part, it was kind of blah. I wonder if Williams is losing it.

There were some good points, I suppose. To be fair to the witty dialogue, there was one particularly great line: "Any last words?" "I like Ike." Lame but funny. Also, Jones climbs into a lead-lined refrigerator in order to protect himself from a nuclear test in the Nevada desert. Completely unbelievable, but somewhat entertaining.

In terms of characters... Shia LaBeouf's Mutt was very '50s, which helped remind the viewer of the new setting. (Corny name -- Indy named himself after his dog, Mutt essentially calls himself a dog.) Anyway, his relationship with Indy was a pretty interesting diversion from the horrible plot. (Although if you ask me, it could have been developed more.) The return of Marion Ravenwood was a thrill -- she was always my favorite of Indy's girls. (So she'd mostly lost her spark, but she could have been worse.) Cate Blanchett made an excellent Soviet scientist. Just when you thought she couldn't be any more versatile, she dons a black wig, grabs a rapier, and affects an Eastern European accent. I really do love her.

Someone who reviewed this movie on imdb.com said that it wasn't just bad, it was embarrassing. I definitely agree. So to quote this poster, wraith08: "This movie almost has to be seen to be believed. People sit in the theater with astonished looks on their faces, possibly thinking... 'After 19 years and several rejected scripts, George Lucas AND Steven Spielberg AND Harrison Ford all agreed and gave the green light on THIS SCRIPT???'"

I couldn't believe it myself. I sat gaping at the screen in shock, mouth open in horror. It was just that awful. The best I can do is rewatch the originals sometime in the next couple of weeks and hope that, over time, all knowledge of this wretched, embarrassing film will fade forever from my memory. Yeah, it's that bad. I'm still in pain.

Rating: 1.0

The Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975, UK/U.S.)

Seeing as I'm such a cinephile, people are always surprised when I haven't seen certain movies. I would say Rocky Horror is probably one of those, and that has now been corrected. I figured this was going to be one of those movies I either loved or hated, but I was wrong about that. My overall response was just "eh." It was okay. I can see how it must have been revolutionary and amazing back in the day, and I can definitely see why it had a cult following and was banned in some countries, but I wasn't floored or anything. I think the best thing I could say about it was that it was a pretty good B movie.

I did of course enjoy it more thanks to my recent obsession with Velvet Goldmine. I'm really glad I saw VG before I saw Rocky Horror, because I felt like I was much more prepared with some knowledge of the '70s and glam rock -- which were clearly a huge influence on this musical. And crazy as those glam fans of the '70s were, I can see the appeal of a man in makeup, platform boots, and androgynous clothes. Even if it's Tim Curry. Not that I don't love Tim Curry--he's an amazing actor--but he's more interesting than sexy as a cross dresser. And on the subject of actors, young Susan Sarandon running around in a bra and slip, changing from innocent young future wife to lustful man-chaser overnight... too weird.

Rating: 2.5

Lost (Season 4 Finale)

So I didn't intend on using this for TV shows, but I can't pass up an opportunity to rave about the season 4 finale of Lost. I was absolutely blown away. There was shock after shock, most of them pretty emotional. Several people died, and even more people who were dead seemed suddenly alive.

(SPOILER ALERT: I wouldn't read this if you haven't seen it.)

My favorite moments: Sawyer jumping out of the plane (I actually liked him for once), Sun's reaction to Jin's death (beautiful and sad), Keamy dying (hated that bastard), Claire showing up at Kate's house (very twilight zone), Penny and Demond reuniting (that seemed too easy--but I'm happy!), and best of all, the fact that they actually showed the face in the coffin--and it was someone whose death I'd been hoping for since season 1. (Does this conversation sound familiar? "The crew guys that would go down to the planet with the main guys, the captain and the guy with the pointy ears, they always wore red shirts. And they always got killed." "Sounds like a piss-poor captain." Yeah, I'll never forgive him for Boone.)

I'm finding it impossible to go to sleep because I'm all wound-up and jumpy from the finale. Lost has been a bit of a roller coaster lately, and I don't mean that in a good way. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. The last few episodes have been getting stronger, and this one might have been the best one for several seasons. Just... wow.

One interesting thing I will point out: There was a bit of deja vu from every preceding season finale. Season 1 -- the boat with the spotlight coming towards the raft with lights flashing. (I could feel the panic rising before I saw Penny.) Season 2 -- someone messes with thing beneath the island's surface, the sky turns strangely noisy and purple. Everything changes. Season 3 -- Jack goes to the funeral home, and there's a mystery person in the coffin, but we don't know who. I was shocked when they gave it away this time. So way to give me goosebumps, you genius Lost writers.

Which brings me to the last thing I wanted to say. It seems all of my education about the Enlightenment and the history of ideas has not gone to waste, because I have always found good use for it watching Lost. I knew all about Rousseau, Locke, and Hume before seeing their island counterparts, which I find can be quite helpful when interpreting the characters. So of course I was thrilled to recognize the name of Jeremy Bentham, the man in the coffin. Especially in relation to "watching." Bentham designed the panopticon, a circular prison with a guard tower in the middle. The idea was that the inmates would behave well all the time, because they could never be sure when a guard was watching them. (Fascinating idea.) Anyway, this could become very interesting as things unfold next season. Especially because many of Bentham's other ideas directly conflict with those of the philosopher the dead man was originally named for. So we shall see.

Wow, can I run on about this show. I'm just loving it again!

Rating: 5.0

The Governess (1998, UK)

To say the least, this film was different. It's actually the second film I've seen this week with a major theme of antisemitism, although obviously not as prominent as in the Merchant of Venice. Mostly, I don't have strong feelings about this one, one way or the other. As I said, it definitely had a unique plot, but it left me with a desperate desire for resolution, of which there was none.

A few comments on the actors: First, I do have a newfound appreciation of Minnie Driver, who I thought could only play irritating characters, until now. Glad to see I was wrong. Also, I really did not need to see full frontal nudity of Tom Wilkinson (though I guess it was an important plot device). Of course, a nude JRM more than made up for it (though it had absolutely no plot relevance, as far as I could see).

I'd say a stronger overall opinion would require more thought or a second viewing, though I am disinclined toward either.

Rating: 3.0

Cassandra's Dream (2007, U.S.)

First thing I said out loud at the end: "Good ending, Woody Allen."

I think it's interesting how obsessed Woody Allen seems to be with the idea of getting away with murder. I wouldn't have thought this movie was unusual on its own, but following 2005's Match Point, it's something. Colin Farrell's character was strangely similar to his Ray in this year's In Bruges -- but he continues to do the emotionally vulnerable thing well. Ewan McGregor was also good, of course. I thought the writing was a bit weak, as the brothers' motivations were not quite convincing -- but I don't think it was the acting.

Of course I absolutely adore anything composed by Philip Glass, and this score was no different. It fit perfectly with the movie and was a fantastic suspense-builder.

The best part was the ending -- surprising yet inevitable at the same time. And it left you with that "Hmmm" feeling. Excellent.

Rating: 3.5

A new place for film reviews

I decided to start a separate blog for film reviews, after I ended up talking out loud to Woody Allen after Cassandra's Dream. I think I'll pretty much stick to some brief thoughts and a star rating based on Blockbuster.com's rating:

0.5 - Really hated it
1.0- Hated it
1.5 - Really didn't like it
2.0 - Didn't like it
2.5 - It was so-so
3.0 - It was okay
3.5 - I liked it
4.0 - I really liked it
4.5 - I loved it
5.0 - I absolutely loved it