I had low expectations. The reality was much worse.Never in my life have I seen such a classic part of American culture destroyed as utterly as this fourth installment did to Indiana Jones. It was terrible. Okay, so it took place in 1957 instead of 1938. There were (not-so-evil) Russian communists instead of (scum-of-the-planet) German Nazis. Harrison Ford is 66 years old. It took a bit of getting used to, but in the first 15 minutes or half hour, I thought I could handle it. Wrong.
First: Aliens. This is Indiana Jones, not Alien or ET or even Star Wars. Jones is an archaeologist, not some SETI freak. The whole crystal skull/alien intelligence/UFO plot line was so absolutely ridiculous and just wrong. It totally lacked in the history that I so loved about the series. I mean, ALIENS?
Second: Weird animals. There were the damn gophers that kept showing up everywhere, like they knew what was happening. Very Caddy Shack. Very lame. Then there were the monkeys swinging through the trees with Mutt. Silly. Worst of all were the man eating giant ants, who seemed to have human-like intelligence and who devoured men whole. Disgusting, and very King Kong. (And I didn't even like that whole man-eating bug scenario in King Kong, where it fit much better.)
Third: CGI. One of the greatest things about the original trilogy was how realistic and believable it was, because they used stuntmen instead of computer tricks. I know that we live in a modern world with new technology that can do great things for film, but. It's one thing to make distant planets or create lifeforms like Ents or unicorns, but when it comes to things that are meant to be part of our own reality, nothing will look better than the real thing. But maybe that's the point. Did I mention this movie was about aliens? Speaking of which, the ending was so far beyond stupid that I was left speechless. (Though I guess in terms of "appearances," it was realistic.) I miss the melting faces and the corny hyper-aging and the ripping out of hearts from my beloved '80s franchise.
Fourth: While talking action sequences... Travesty of all travesties, there was no whip-swinging. That is not Indiana Jones.
Fifth: Lack of witty dialogue. The old snappy Jones just wasn't there. (Although to be fair, I might have missed a line or two... or ten... because the speakers in the theater were so whacked I couldn't hear the talking over the music half the time.) This would have been a great time to reuse the whole "It's not the years, it's the mileage" line. It might have been redundant, but at least it would remind us that once upon a time, in a galaxy far far away, our favorite films about archeology didn't suck. And that George Lucas knew that the alien-hunting Harrison Ford was Han Solo, not Indiana Jones. Who knew I would ever long for the '80s? And David Koepp has written some great screenplays. What was this?
Sixth: Plot. Or was there one? It was so convoluted and senseless. The genius of the earlier films lay in their simplicity. "Don't mess with things you don't understand, respect history and every man's deities. And P.S., Nazis are evil." Sensible. "Quests to possess alien intelligence can only make your head explode." Not insensible, per se, but not normal either.
Seventh: Score. Yeah, it was John Williams. Yeah, some of the original themes were reused well. Yeah, it fit into the movie fairly well. But for the most part, it was kind of blah. I wonder if Williams is losing it.
There were some good points, I suppose. To be fair to the witty dialogue, there was one particularly great line: "Any last words?" "I like Ike." Lame but funny. Also, Jones climbs into a lead-lined refrigerator in order to protect himself from a nuclear test in the Nevada desert. Completely unbelievable, but somewhat entertaining.
In terms of characters... Shia LaBeouf's Mutt was very '50s, which helped remind the viewer of the new setting. (Corny name -- Indy named himself after his dog, Mutt essentially calls himself a dog.) Anyway, his relationship with Indy was a pretty interesting diversion from the horrible plot. (Although if you ask me, it could have been developed more.) The return of Marion Ravenwood was a thrill -- she was always my favorite of Indy's girls. (So she'd mostly lost her spark, but she could have been worse.) Cate Blanchett made an excellent Soviet scientist. Just when you thought she couldn't be any more versatile, she dons a black wig, grabs a rapier, and affects an Eastern European accent. I really do love her.
Someone who reviewed this movie on imdb.com said that it wasn't just bad, it was embarrassing. I definitely agree. So to quote this poster, wraith08: "This movie almost has to be seen to be believed. People sit in the theater with astonished looks on their faces, possibly thinking... 'After 19 years and several rejected scripts, George Lucas AND Steven Spielberg AND Harrison Ford all agreed and gave the green light on THIS SCRIPT???'"
I couldn't believe it myself. I sat gaping at the screen in shock, mouth open in horror. It was just that awful. The best I can do is rewatch the originals sometime in the next couple of weeks and hope that, over time, all knowledge of this wretched, embarrassing film will fade forever from my memory. Yeah, it's that bad. I'm still in pain.
Rating: 1.0
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